No Machine - Toast The Toaster

Richard Wink 19/03/2010

Rating: 1/5

Sometimes you are baffled by a band. You wonder, are these people deaf? Or are they just on a different planet to the rest of us?

'Toast the Toaster' is the kind of song that defines awfulness, and a distinct lack of self awareness. It is plainly evident No Machine has not asked for any constructive criticism, and have just set off on a musical odyssey completely oblivious to how they sound. It reminds me of the kind of song Modest Mouse's Isaac Brock would sing, were he to be marooned on a Greek island somewhere sipping sambuca with a bunch of leery Brits abroad; a horrific dose of Euro-pop - diabolical, dreadful, atrocious.

What concerns me about No Machine's twin brothers Al and Emil Rivers is their shared naivety. Take for instance this posting on their MySpace page where they are advertising for some chick to star in their next music video. "The girl needs to be living in London and be between the ages of 18 and 25 (or at least look young). Girl next door look is the look we're after, beautiful but understated, fresh faced, fair haired with a bit of a hippy feel. She has to be easy going and up for getting involved, STRICTLY NO DIVAS!"

Easy going and up for getting involved is the bluntest come on I've ever read. They may as well put that we want somebody who sucks like a Dyson and doesn't mind indulging in weird games involving table tennis bats and mayonnaise. This isn't so much a review as it is a mercy killing. Please, I beg you Al and Emil. Listen and learn, and come back with something listenable!

Release Date: 22nd March