The X-Files - I Want To Believe

Owain Paciuszko 02/08/2008

Rating: 2/5

Perhaps I'm just not the target audience for this, I would occasionally watch the odd episode of 'The X-Files' in the mid-nineties and, more often than not, quite enjoy it. I watched the first movie when it came out ten years ago, and quite enjoyed that too. However this film is a dishwater dull, soap-opera-esque twistless, suspenseless piece of fluff.

Agents Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) return to the field when an FBI agent goes missing and a paedophile priest called Father Joe (Billy Connolly) claims he is having visions as to her whereabouts. And do you know what, that's about it, that should actually count as a huge spoiler because bugger all else happens in the film; I kept waiting, waiting, praying for something interesting to happen but nope, nothing. I didn't even expect a huge Hollywood set-piece or a shonky special effect, I would've been happy with a dramatic scene, or a good bit of banter between Mouldy and Scullery, but nope, not a sausage. I'm positive things like tension, wit and drama happened in the TV show; even as a non-fan I could appreciate the laconic humour and chemistry between the two leads, but this film is surprisingly devoid of any of the charm or intellect that made 'The X-Files' the celebrated television show that it was.

In fact, looking back on it, it's amazing to think that what I watched today was a film; the supporting cast vanished into the wallpaper, the plot was a bunch of police procedural movements, a few moralising hospital bound distractions, a bit of soap opera kiss and make up and two 'action' sequences to stop you drifting off. These sequences ammount to a tension free foot chase and an ending so uneventful that you may wait - if you haven't wandered off - through the credits hoping that there's a further sequence that actually ends the film with something resembling a climax. However, if you do wait around while the credits are rolling - THIS IS A BIT OF A SPOILER I GUESS - then you will see the camera fly out over a beautiful blue ocean towards a little row boat where Fox and Dana sit in trunks and bikini respectively, they then proceed to look up and wave goodbye at the camera, yes, they do, I'm not joking - END OF THE PROBABLE SPOILER.

I was looking for a decent bit of semi-spooky, sciencey drama with a couple of thrills, maybe an interesting plot and some dry humoured banter between the leads, what I got was a stale, tired lump of nothing that felt more like a pilot for a dull CSI style series with Gothic leanings that the TV executives cancelled before it even went to air.

Also, does anyone else think of 'Parappa the Rappa' when reading the title?

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