The History of Guns - When You Don't Matter

Miss Fliss 20/07/2009

Rating: 0/5

Not too enamoured with the prospect of reviewing a CD with a B-side called Slice up Your Wife. And with a name like The History of Guns, I expect a riot of macho punk to ensue. Nothing could have prepared my ears for what this single transpired to be.

I haven't heard such preposterously over-the-top, God-awful Goth since someone played me the comedy that is 80s theatrical band Nosferatu (ask your ex-eyeliner-wearing uncle). Synths from a religious cult guide us slowly and morosely whilst the most excruciating 'tortured soul' Goth man has some kind of drawn out fit. He seems to be transported frothing at the mouth into the throes of death. It's the Goth Apocalypse! Amusing or disturbing? You choose.

B-side, Slice up Your Wife, on the bizarre other hand, is a mash up of The Spice Girls' Spice Up Your Life and is all 'diamond geeza' Mike Skinner monologue with machine gun drums, interspersed with said Spice Girls' song. The question begged is: aren't The History of Guns about 10 years too late to be pissed off enough to mutilate this song? We're treated to the lyric: 'If you're listening to this/and you're a girl/don't be left out/give it a whirl/rip his cock off/and his spleen/and his eyes/and all that's in between'. With a chorus that sounds genuinely sinister that runs: 'Stab her to the left/stab her to the right', this record is clearly made by a bunch of pissed up idiots. It was probably funny to the makers in front of their laptop in their bedroom at 4am before they got the kebabs in.

This is the worst thing I've ever heard and it's literally going in the dustbin where it belongs, right now. I only wish I'd known to perform that wise action before pressing Play. This is the first time I've given something a Zero mark, just to hit the point home.